My 2023

Let me lead this with what happened in 2022. I was making about $6k-$10k a month consistently for the 12 months of 2021-2022, this afforded me the ability to purchase a house (my first one) and a new car (ordered and built from the factory). I was selling cars at the time, so I ordered one that we were allotted, it was the first time I was ever able to do that, and I took advantage of it.

The day I signed to go under contract on my house the owner of the dealership sold the company. I should have known then what a mess my life was about to take. From the time I took the keys to my house and my car, into the next 12 months, I only made $3k-$4k a month MAX (it was usually more like $2500) before taxes. As you can imagine, this was a source of serious stress for me. Luckily, I had a 401K that I was able to cash out in order to not lose my house and my car.

Forward to May of 2023 and I was still only making $2500 a month and had a massive bipolar breakdown. It was a Monday, and I did not take a shower that night because my razor was in it and I didn’t trust myself. Now, I have never self-harmed, but I did however have suicidal thoughts growing up (mostly due to the undiagnosed/unmedicated bipolar) and I knew I was in trouble because I had no desire to grab my 9mm and end it. I however, was absolutely NOT taking a shower.

I called my therapist, explained the situation and she got me in Wednesday morning. I was also supposed to go to my psychiatrist Wednesday morning, but she cancelled, and I was losing it. I went to my therapist, we had a good talk, she suggested family medical leave (FMLA), I said I would think about it, and it was probably a good idea. Biggest problem with FMLA is that you do not get paid. I went to my family doctor, and he suggested the same thing. I had a gynecologist appointment the next day and she suggested the same, especially once I started sobbing in her office.

The following Wednesday I filled out my FMLA paperwork and turned it in. 4 weeks without work or income were coming my way and I was terrified. Thursday morning, I woke up and that’s when I realized how bad it was about to get. My therapist warned me about what I might go through but to say I was unprepared is an understatement. The stress had completely vanished overnight. The knowledge of not having to go to work was so freeing and so peaceful I cried. Then I kept crying, for 4 weeks. I slept 16 hours a day most days, forced myself to eat and shower and change my clothes. It’s not that I wasn’t hungry, it’s that I had no appetite, and my depression was so bad, so bad that I had to remember that I knew better than to not eat and that it would make it worse if I didn’t.

The 4 weeks are almost up, I’m at my therapist the day before I’m supposed to go back, and I have a panic attack that was so bad I almost hyperventilated in her office. We both knew that I couldn’t go back to that job. So, I quit. I got a new job in July and did not lose my house or my car (which took some negotiations and some begging).

The new job was going well enough until I hurt my shoulder while working and had to file a worker’s comp claim. Long story short here (as we are still working this out), I was let go after my claim was denied (missing too many days after injury – per policy “nothing they could do”). While this was happening, I lost a friend, my grandmother, my aunt’s dog, my cousin’s husband (who I was just with in June), my high school wrestling coach, and my bonus grandmother. This was from September 25th to November 7th.

I was also still studying for my PhD and I ended up so far behind that my professor reached out to me to check on me. I explained my situation and he was a bit speechless. I was now out of work, injured, no income, and no doctor’s insight to fix my shoulder. Unemployment told me they couldn’t pay me because I was fired with good cause. I had a little bit of money from my grandma that helped me not lose my house and car again over the holidays, so that was great. So, if you’re counting, that is 2 times I almost lost my house and my car in the same year.

My 2023 tried to kill me, mentally, emotionally, financially, physically, and spiritually. I’m still not sure how I managed to get through it, but I did. I’m glad I did, but the number of tears I shed, the anger, the losing of myself, and the fear of losing everything I ever worked for was crushing to my soul and spirit. I hope to never have another year like that and to never let myself be put in a situation where everything can be taken from me. I remembered who I am and that being the flame means something will be destroyed in your path, but fire often leaves behind room for regrowth. Through the dark comes the light.